Speaking your truth is never easy. Sometimes it's unpleasant and hard to know how to say it in a way that doesn't come off wrong. You feel like no matter how much time you spend correcting every word, perfecting every sentence to make sure your voice is heard in the right way, there's still something that won't be taken as intended. I immediately started feeling guilty after sharing my truth about Hayden and I, like I was wrong for sharing my truth, like I was a terrible person. I felt like the people closest to me were upset with me and hated me for it. But to be honest, things have been broken for a long time.
I shook up the game. I talked about something that nobody is willing to talk about. How can we begin to heal if we never talk about these things and bring them to light? Sometimes, things need to be broken before they can heal back properly. Some of my most healing, empowering, life-changing moments have been after a storm I never thought I would be able to get through. And I realize, just because things were shaken up, doesn't mean it's a bad thing. People being upset isn't always a bad thing. After the chaos, will come healing. I'm sure of that. Because all that needed to be brought to light was, and now God can begin to put the pieces back together and rebuild us into a new, beautiful, changed being.
My intentions were never to upset anybody. I don't just write to make people who can't relate understand. I mainly write for those who already do understand. Who feel stuck and lost. Who feel alone and terrified. Those are the people I aim to reach. I know in my heart I'm not a malicious person with malicious intents. I know that talking about taboo subjects is always controversial. But I believe I was put on this earth to speak my truth. I've always felt that way. I've always been that way. This is just the first time things are going as public as they are. And I think that's okay. It's not for attention. It was never about that. I would never ask for negative attention to myself. That's my worst nightmare and what stopped me from starting a blog for so many years. I finally found the strength within myself to start speaking out on things I'm passionate about. And I'm passionate about speaking about my life experiences, what they taught me, and how I grew from them. I wanted to finally start being the person I've needed in my life the last few years. And who better to be that person than myself?
At the end of the day, do I regret what I've shared? No. Because more people than you would think messaged me that night to tell me they were in the exact same situation or have been and have needed someone to share this with for a long time. People who were too ashamed to speak out, just like I was, are feeling confident enough to share their darkest moments in hopes of getting help that they might have not otherwise gotten.
Sometimes it takes someone who's brave and who's willing to put themselves out there for others to feel safe to make the move that's right for them.
So I wanted to lay out some of the reasons why I choose to share what I do.
1. Countless times going through my experiences, I felt more alone than ever. I felt like I wasn't allowed to talk about what I was going through. I felt shame, I felt like no one understood. The second I posted what I posted, I was reassured that I was indeed, not alone. And I feel I deserve to not feel alone in this. There were many times I tried to talk about it in person, but ultimately never was given the chance to fully open up. And I believe a lot of other people feel like that, too.
2. Others needed to hear what I posted. Again, I got SO many messages. I decided to share some of them to show just how many people needed to read this. Do you know what I would have given to fall upon a blog that talked about what I went through while I was going through it? To be able to relate to someone in the darkest moments of my life would have been life changing for me during those moments.
3. It was a release for both Hayden and I. For a long time we both felt like we were hiding from the world. Not only was this therapeutic for me to talk about, but it was a huge release of relief on Hayden's end, too. This has brought both of us healing in ways we never thought it would have.
4. Hayden (and many others) reassured me that I'm doing the right thing. I offered to take the blog down after posting, I asked him up and down before posting. We talked about all the possible negative side effects. And still at the end of the day he WANTED me to post what I posted. And he got emotional when I told him I was thinking about taking it down because he knew how important it was to share. He made me realize, this was not only necessary, it was NEEDED. And neither of us want to take that back.
5. I want to talk about the hard things. I want to talk about what nobody talks about. Why? Because we all go through it. Do you know how many people would feel like less of failures, less ashamed, less alone if they knew someone else was also going through this and that it's more common than they realize? I believe the more we talk about hard things, the less hard they become.
6. I felt God pulling me to share. The day I sat down to write what Hayden and I went through, it all came pouring out of me. It took me little to no time to write the blog post, it just came out so naturally. I felt a pulling inside of me that these words needed to be read. I didn't fully plan on posting these things when I wrote them, just to vent. But I woke up one morning, and I just knew in my heart that it's what needed to be done. I prayed, I leaned into God and trusted Him that this was the right move. And I hit the publish button.
7. I wanted to show that divorce isn't the only option, if both parties can make the commitment to come together and decide to work through it. Obviously, I know that not every relationship can or should be saved, and I don't want this to be a sign to try to work things out with an abusive/unresponsive spouse. But, I also want to show that if you are safe, and you feel like you and your partner have the drive to fix things, that it can be achieved. We chose to stay together and work on ourselves for both ourselves and our marriage. But coming to that place took hard work on both of our parts and a lot of compromise. Fixing things can't be a one way street, and both Hayden and I have the drive to do this together.
8. I want to encourage getting professional help. I'm not sure where the notion came from that you're lesser than or weak if you need to see a therapist or counselor, but I want to showcase the strength it takes to push your pride aside and admit that you can't fix everything on your own. I want to show that it's okay to ask for help and to gladly accept that help. I want to show that it doesn't mean you're weak or less than because you need a little extra help through life. In fact, I believe all of us could use counseling or therapy at some point in our lives. It takes strength, hard work, and determination to devote to working on yourself on a consistent basis.
9. De-stigmatize. There are so many stigmas when it comes to mental health and everything involved in that area, and it's a little crazy to me the amount of people who experience mental illness vs. the amount of people that talk about mental illness. 1 in 4 people in the WORLD experience a mental illness in their lifetime. If a fourth of all of us are experiencing this and it's more common that other non-stigmatized diseases, why are we still so behind on the de-stigmatization of mental illness? The lack of education out there is astounding.
10. No mental illness is the same. Sure, they have textbooks that help you learn the basics, but every person's mental illness story is unique to them. We may display some of the most common symptoms of those illnesses, but each of us have little intricacies to our illness that not even another person with a mental illness can always understand. I believe in the importance of sharing your personal story to better educate, rather than throwing out statistical facts that are generic and impersonal. My anxiety will never look exactly like your anxiety. My depression will never look exactly like your depression. I learned this during my collective year in the IOP program at the mental health hospital.
I've said this for years, and I will continue to say this for a long time. I believe in the power of sharing your story. I believe in the power of sharing a side of yourself most people feel ashamed of. I have been an open book since I can remember. The first date night with Hayden, I shared my life story. The first time I met a lot of people, I shared my life story and intimate moments about myself. I shared everything with my parents. I have always just had this deep desire to share my life with people. I believe in the healing it can bring. I believe in the closeness it can create. I believe every person's story has a unique lesson and take away. And I believe that God put me on this earth to speak out. I shared my testimony throughout my years of high school and I saw the change it brought to a lot of lives. And God has blessed me with the need to share and a testimony that I believe He wants to be shared. To bring hope to the hopeless, to bring peace to the broken-hearted, to bring rest to those who are weary. This is me sharing God's story, because we all play a part in it. And I hope you know He wants to hold your hand through your storm, too.
God Bless & much love. xx
Sara