Last year on my instagram I asked a very important question for you all to answer: What is the hardest part about your mental illness? I know it's been a while since I've asked, and I had planned on doing this blog post months ago, but I honestly was going through a lot that just kept me from writing. Struggling with mental illnesses your whole life is a tough battle. There is always the inevitable downfall when it comes to chronic mental illness. No matter how long it's been, there will always be another time when you fall again. And again. And again. And again. Mental illnesses and "getting better" is not a linear line. It's a roller coaster. There are always great months and terrible months, and hardly ever anything in between. Understanding others mental illnesses, even understanding your own mental illnesses, is a CONSTANT battle that not a lot of people have a grasp on.
I'm a big advocate for speaking openly about mental health and mental illnesses, because 1 in 4 people in the WORLD struggle with at least one type of mental illness. Let that sink in for just a second. 1 in 4. 1/4 of the world is struggling with their mental health. It's more common than we realize and also one of the least talked about subjects. It's the most written off illness, because it's an invisible illness. Many people are quick to write it off because they don't see those parts of you and they say its all in your head. They don't see when you're sick, they don't see when you're struggling, they see what they expect of us. They don't understand that the brain can also suffer from illnesses, just like any other organ in the body. I can't tell you how many times I've been told my depression and anxiety can be cured by going for a walk or something so minuscule. While those things can be great coping mechanisms and great techniques to help us not dwell in those low places, they are not cures. Here's what the mental health community wants you to know about our mental illnesses:
@thriftyfatty (Emily):
“Saying it out loud. I was diagnosed bipolar 6 years ago and only 3 people have been told that. 1 being my mom, the other 2 having removed themselves from my life. Makes it very hard and very scary to let anyone else know about my diagnosis. I have zero judgements towards anyone else with any diagnosed mental illness. But myself? That’s different.”
Alex:
“For me, the hardest part of my mental illness is the energy drained from "controlling" it. When I have an overloaded day I feel like I have little to no energy to do anything the following day. This lack of energy can go on for a few days in a row. But of course work and life demands that I have the energy so pushing past the lack of energy makes me feel worse which can lead to a deeper lack of energy.”
Anonymous:
“How apathetic I have become.”
Anonymous:
"I struggle with anxiety. And I choose not to take any medication because as a teen, doctors couldn't find the right ones for me and I ended up feeling worse! My biggest struggle is that small voice in my mind always trying to tell me that something I've done isn't good enough, or something I said or did was stupid. It eats at my confidence if I let it!”
@mel_b_2_positivevibes (Melissa):
“I would say the hardest part for me is blocking negative thoughts. I struggled from an eating disorder for over a decade and even though in March I’ll be in recovery for 4 years (yay!) I still struggle some days. The negative thoughts that would instantly trigger me before to restrict are far less frequent than they were even a year ago, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t have days where I’m so stressed out and can’t cope with what’s going on that those thoughts don’t pop up. I’ve become much tougher mentally to not give into those thoughts and act on my eating disorder but just like with any mental illness, it’s never fully gone, no matter how many years. You’ve been handling it. And just realizing that you have to be patient with recovery is really challenging sometimes. So overall, that no matter how far into recovery or healthy coping strategies you’ve come, that mental illness still lingers and being patient with yourself to accept that it takes time for it perhaps mentally impact you as much as it did on your worst days. Thank you for creating a safe space to open up! It’s such an important topic that people should always feel safe to share without being judged. So thank you :)”
@giuliaohh (Giulia):
“The hardest part of my mental illness is feeling as if what I am feeling is not valid. Feeling like I am crazy or irrational for the way I may react to some situations. I struggle with crippling anxiety. I used to think it was social anxiety, I wanted to “label it” so I could try to understand the situations these thoughts would occur. However, it’s not that, and it isn’t only in certain situations. It’s constant. It’s unpredictable. And it’s valid. I have been learning this throughout these last years and I constantly have to remind myself that there isn’t anything wrong with me. There isn’t anything I need to justify. There isn’t anything that I need to feel ashamed of.”
Anonymous:
“Like you, I suffer with anxiety and depression. The hardest part is doubting myself and those around me. What I mean is that it takes a lot of convincing for me to think I’m good enough. Or if I leave a conversation and they believe that everything’s okay but I focus on one thing I said and think, “did they take that the wrong way? I didn’t mean it that way. I shouldn’t have said that. I should have worded it different. I wish I didn’t say anything at all. I just shouldn’t talk at all.” And then come the thoughts of suicide of different ways to die but then being frustrated and think, “I’m such a pussy, I could never have the balls to kill myself” because I love the ones I love too much and think about what would they do after I died. Basically, way too much overthinking the tiniest stuff :c”
Anonymous:
“The hardest part for me is accepting it as a part of my life but not letting it control my life. It’s a daily reminder to get past the hurdles it gives me. Also learning to live life day by day because I never know how I’m going to feel tomorrow. Anxiety and BPD.”
Jessica:
The hardest part of my mental illness is not having the energy to fight it anymore. Putting on a facade while I hide from the world in constant fear I am not enough to be or feel free. The hardest part of my mental illness is trying to convince myself and my heart that I am good enough for the woman I love. I’m a two time suicide attempt survivor and have been hospitalized a few times in my life due to suicide/ BPD/ addiction/ anxiety/ depression. My mental illness has been around since I was a child and I don’t think I have ever gone more than 3 months without slipping into deep depression. It’s something that is a part of me and will always be a part of me. One of the hardest things about my illness is feeling alone even though I know I’m not. ❤️”
Araceli:
“I have Bipolar Disorder, ADHD, and anxiety. The hardest part is managing it all without stressing myself or making myself feel worse.”
Anonymous:
“I would say it’s difficult to take control and keep in check my own anxiety right now because my boyfriend was just diagnosed with depression and is working through his own mental illness so I feel responsible for helping him (which at times induces anxiety) and becomes a vicious cycle.”
Kelsey:
“The hardest part about having anxiety is having a job where if you’re in the middle of having an anxiety attack, you can’t just leave. There have been many days where I’m teaching and I feel my heart rate increase, face on fire, sweaty hands, and chest pains and I have to act as if nothing is happening because I can’t let my students down. Anxiety is weird because one second you’re fine, and then quickly without anything in particular happening, it becomes a consuming feeling.”
Taylor:
“I suffer from both anxiety and clinical depression. The hardest part is that they sometimes contradict each other, I have this unnecessary need to be perfect and do everything right yet sometimes I can barely encourage myself to do the laundry. And when I am in control of my depression, if I start to feel like I’m not doing everything perfect or how I think it “needs to be” I will start to be extremely hard on myself which makes it harder to manage my depression. Just juggling the two is really the hardest part.”
Carly:
“I don’t know if I can truly define the hardest part of my mental illness. I think that answer changes over time and with shifts in perspective. Something that has been on my mind lately is the waiting game that I tend to play when my anxiety and depression are more at bay. When am I going to start feeling my depression creep back up? How long will it stay this time? Is it going to affect my partner? At this point in my life depression and anxiety have become a very normal part of my human experience so when I actually start to feel happy it is accompanied by an underlying sense of impending doom. My depression comes and goes, sometimes staying for days, weeks or months. I become extremely insecure, hypercritical of my partner and I feel like my goals are out of reach and unrealistic. When I am feeling centered and mentally clear I experience deep gratitude for my life, my partner, and feel hope and excitement for the future. I have two sets of skin and it doesn’t always feel like I have control over which one I’m wearing. These two realities are so at odds with one another that it is exhausting to weave in and out of them. This back and forth pendulum is the reason that I carry fear for the days it stops swinging in my favor. 2018 was the first year I truly dedicated to therapy and trying to get better. I have learned more about myself this past year than ever before - about my trauma, how that enforces my thought/behavior patterns, and triggers for my anxiety and depression. This has helped me immensely to combat my mental illness but this journey is not a straight and narrow path. There are long winding highways, unmarked trails and countless pot holes. How does one let go of the fear of traveling down an unlit path? For me, the answer to that question is still unknown but it is one worth fighting for.”
u/SAMHAMPTON2272 on Reddit:
“The hardest part of my mental illness--general anxiety disorder--is not understanding that many of my emotions and actions (thinking people are talking about me behind closed doors; making sometimes off-hand and inappropriate jokes in private to close friends and family; feelings of doom; occasional strong beliefs that my family is abandoning me) are in fact not real, but just symptoms…”
First of all, I just want to say thank you so much to all those who turned in an entry. Thank you all for speaking up and speaking out about mental illness. Thank you for being brave enough to fight these everyday symptoms that feel so uncontrollable.
I know we've heard these sayings before: "If you wouldn't dismiss someone with a broken leg or cancer or any other physical illness, why write off mental illness?" I totally agree, but I still don't think that drives home for a lot of people who just don't get it. If you don't understand the negative thoughts that consume your brain, if you don't understand the urge to end it all, if you don't understand the physical exhaustion that comes with feeling every emotion and then none at all, if you don't understand being so anxious that you are throwing up, then I ask this of you. Listen, don't speak. Hear what we are saying. We don't share these things for attention, we share to educate. This is an ILLNESS. It is not just a way of thinking or a choice to struggle with these things. Coping mechanisms are a choice, going to therapy is a choice, being on medication is a choice, but dealing with the mental illnesses itself is NOT A CHOICE. I can't tell you how many times I've had horrible, excruciating negative thought loops and had to sit there and internally yell to myself "THOSE AREN'T TRUE, SARA. STOP THINKING THAT. YOU KNOW IT'S NOT TRUE, SO WHY DO THESE THOUGHTS KEEP COMING?" The inner dialogue of someone with a mental illness can be traumatizing, excruciatingly painful, morbid, soul sucking, and invasive. If only you knew how easy it was to convince yourself that literally no one on this planet cares for you, that everyone is out to get you, that you are worth nothing and will never amount to anything, that things will never get better...then you would understand just how badly we all don't want this. Mental illnesses isn't even always about feeling alone, it's also knowing you have people around you and you still feel distant and like you can't connect. Like you're behind a glass window that no one can see through but you.
If you want a deeper insight into the negative thoughts that happen while you're in a deep, dark place mentally, then I encourage you to read my journal entries from my darkest moments blog post. Here you can see just how debilitating and exhausting these thoughts can be.
And if you read this and wish you could have contributed, don't worry, because I will be doing this again in the future!
xoxo, Sara