Well, I honestly never thought I'd be writing this. I don't even fully know how to open up this kind of conversation, so I'll just come right out and say it bluntly. I'm bisexual. I am attracted to both men and women.
This has been years on years of dealing with these internal feelings, denying and trying to get rid of these feelings, feeling guilty, feeling shame, feeling like something was wrong with me, even convincing others who knew about my attraction to women that I wasn't bisexual, that I was just curious, or didn't need to put a label on it. Maybe I did that to try to feel better, I'm not really sure. My way of trying to convince myself of something was to convince other people. But I realized shutting it down was doing myself more of a disservice than just coming out and saying: I'm bisexual.
Let me take you back to the beginning. When I was a child (like preschool-elementary school) I was always curious. I would kiss boys, I would kiss girls, but I never knew anything was weird about it until someone called me a lesbian. They said it in such a negative way that I thought something was wrong with me. There was one specific girl friend I remember I would hang out with, and every time we would hang out, we would kiss a lot and I remember my mom catching us kissing one time, and when she asked me about it, I just stopped doing those things out of embarrassment and never brought it up again.
In middle school, I was still curious. It was always something that was on my mind a lot, especially around certain friends, but I never chalked it up to being lesbian or bisexual, I always just chalked it up to being curious. I remember SEVERAL times throughout middle and high school, people asking me if I was into girls (not in a genuine way, in a making fun of me way) and I would get upset and defensive and tell them no. It made me feel like I needed to prove to people that I wasn't or I would get made fun of. Apparently it didn't help that I played softball either. Who knew. (Insert laughing emoji here). In high school I really suppressed things by dating around with guys a lot. If people knew the guys I would see, then they would surely know that I didn't think about women in that way. And to be honest, I genuinely convinced myself that I wasn't into women and that it was just a weird curiosity of mine. Especially growing up in the church, it was just something I tried to push away and forget about. It wasn't until after high school that I really started to struggle with these feelings.
It was hard, because at the time I was working at my church and I felt like I couldn't discover this part of myself. It wasn't until I met Hayden that I felt like I really wanted to dig deeper. So I started with something I saw on Netflix that peaked my interest: The L Word. If you don't know what the L word is, it's a drama, romance TV show "following the lives and loves of a small, close-knit group of gay women living in Los Angeles as well as the friends and family members that either support or loathe them." (IMDB). After I watched this I knew for a fact that I was attracted to women, but it took me months of struggling with these emotions internally before I felt comfortable opening up to Hayden about it. And even when I opened up, I sugar coated it as just a curiosity and nothing more. He was very understanding, but it still didn't feel right because I wasn't fully sharing my truth. I wasn't sure if I was ready for that truth.
It wasn't until after we were married that I came out and said "it's not a curiosity, it's a fact. I am sexually attracted to women." Again, he was extremely understanding and accepting, but, I was still sugar coating it. I left it at attraction and I wasn't ready to label myself as a bisexual. That meant I had to come out right? Did that mean I had to do certain things or be a certain way? I also felt like am I even "gay enough" to have a coming out story? Whatever that even means, I don't know, but I felt it. I have been extremely loving and understanding of others and their sexuality, but when it came to my own, I questioned everything, I felt wrong.
I spent many more months hating myself and still feeling guilty that I had this attraction and that I knew I was bisexual, but still feeling wrong fully coming out and saying those words. I felt like I was disobeying God, I felt like I was disrespecting my husband, I was scared of how people in the church might view me if I did come out. It took a long time, but I finally opened up to my therapist about all of these things I had been struggling with. Immediately after telling her I felt a weight lift off my shoulders. And her response was not something I fully expected, but she said: "How about instead of trying to suppress and push away those feelings, why not fully accept that you can appreciate both males and females? I know that we have the same God and I KNOW He would not love you any less for accepting this part of you." Ahhhh, the words I so desperately needed to hear. I needed to know and feel that I could still have a relationship with God, because He's always been the most important part of my life. And when I fully accepted that this is a part of who I am, I felt God's love wrap around me. I felt a peace I have never felt before. I felt more loved by Him than I ever have. He lifted the burden of the guilt, He lifted the burden of the shame, and He said come to me as you are.
Let me tell you something. Being bisexual doesn't make me any less loved by God. It doesn't make me any less Christian. It doesn't define me and it doesn't change who I am. I will always be a child of God, I will always be Hayden's wife, I will always be the happy, cheerful Sara you all know me to be, no matter what. Honestly nothing has changed about me, except for the fact that you now know this. God has chosen me as His daughter, and He Himself said "Nothing can separate us from the love of God." NOTHING. I want you to know, that despite the current political climate and perception of a lot of Christians, I can say with certainty that God loves EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US. No matter what. His love is unconditional and all consuming. The people who try to tell you that God hates you because you are gay are wrong. That only tells me that they don't and can't understand the capacity of love our Heavenly Father has for us. He does not hate you, in fact, it's the opposite. He wants you to come to Him just as you are and follow Him. Bisexual, gay, straight, pansexual, it doesn't matter. He wants a relationship with you. You do not have to change yourself to come to Him. He just wants YOU.
If anyone brings judgement upon you for your sexual identity, pray for them. If anyone starts throwing bible verses at you trying to tell you other wise, look up to God and know the truth that He loves you. Humans will have a conditional love towards things and people they don't understand, but God doesn't. I sincerely believe God wanted me to come to these terms to speak out to those who needed to hear this. You are loved by God no matter your sexual orientation or sexual identity. You are fully loved by our creator. And nothing, not even who you love, can separate us from His love if we choose to follow Him.
You are beautifully and wonderfully made by a God who loves you. Gay, straight, bisexual or other - you are LOVED.