Well, hey there. I know it’s been a while. Since Thanksgiving to be exact. I’ve been wanting to write again for a long time, but to be completely honest, I felt like I didn’t 100% have the freedom to do so. I haven’t known how to come back to writing. There’s been so much I’ve wanted to say, but haven’t in fear of rubbing certain people the wrong way. It’s taken me a couple months to work through some things and get back to this place. But I’m here. And I have a lot to say.
I have always wanted to pride myself on having integrity and being respectful of others while doing this blog. I feel like I’ve done my best to make it about myself and just explain the impact others have had on me and the influence it had on my mental health. And while most were supportive of Hayden and I’s decision to write about our darkest moments, a lot of people close to us weren’t okay with it, and they personally blamed me. There were some accusations of me doing this blog for attention. That I was trying to hurt people and trying to hurt Hayden. Blaming me for things I didn’t feel like was my fault. And it made it really hard to want to continue writing for a long time. I’ve been a people pleaser for as long as I can remember, and especially in my darkest moments, the thought of making anyone upset with me would shake me to my core; because I feared that the negative opinions I had about myself would have been made true if someone else confirmed that they thought I was in fact all of the things I labeled myself.
I grew up in a world where I was praised for speaking out about things and for opening up about raw and sensitive subjects. When I first met Hayden, I shared my whole life story. Good and bad, I laid everything on the table. I had always been an open book. In my mind, there was no reason to hide. We all have dealt with hard things because we’re all human, and I never felt like I needed to appear perfect. I found comfort when others were vulnerable and I admired that a lot. And I genuinely felt like God gave me the heart to be open with others as a way to connect on a deeper level. To make us all feel human and okay in our messes. But when I was in my deepest, darkest part of my depression, I felt like I lost that part of me. There was a fear about opening up, which I had never dealt with. There was a shame that lingered inside of me that I had never felt before. And when I was finally able to type up the feelings I had been feeling for years on end, without telling a soul, I felt like the biggest weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
For a long time, I felt like the pain and everything I was going through wasn’t important enough to talk about. I didn’t want to come off as a crybaby or someone who was just negative all the time for no reason. So I hid myself from a lot of people. I hid what was really going on in fear that I would be judged. I was ashamed I let things happen to me that I swore I would never put up with. I felt weak. I felt broken. I was broken. And, again, when I finally came to the place where I felt comfortable to come out to talk about the things that were destroying me, I expected to receive the love and praise I had received in the previous years. And while that was mostly true, it wasn’t true for some very important people in my life. And now I feel like those relationships are destroyed, and it sucks. I kept myself from writing because of this, as to not ruffle more feathers or to not worsen the relationship they probably felt I had broken. But after a few months of talking with my therapist, I realized there’s nothing I can do to change their perspective on this. And that it shouldn’t keep me from writing. I shouldn’t have to dull who I am to make other people feel comfortable. I should be able to have the freedom to heal how I need to, and I shouldn’t let anyone take that away from me. No matter how important of a person they may be in my life. It’s not vindictive or a blow at them. I understand not all people understand or agree with opening up about sensitive topics. But I guess to not even feel supported in my healing process really freaking sucks. And I let that negativity affect my process.
I guess what I want to say is that everyone has their own way of dealing with things. Some people don’t deal with it and they get stuck in the place that left them feeling broken. Some need to talk it out with a close friend. Some need to take a break from life. Some need to change their lifestyle. Some need help and others might not. And some need to share their hearts with the world and know that the brokenness they felt and went through could serve as a purpose to help someone else. The amount of times I felt shame, when I shouldn't have. The amount of times I felt guilty, when I shouldn’t have. The amount of times I felt lost, when I didn’t have to be. I didn’t want that for anyone else. The feeling of carrying such sorrow and heartbreak without anyone to help lighten the load, I would never wish upon another soul. It’s a feeling so crushing and it weighed me down to a point where I couldn’t function. I thought you didn’t have to fully explain yourself for loved ones to understand and be there for you. I didn’t think there was a conditional love when it came to healing from traumatic experiences and needing support. But unfortunately, that’s not always the case.
But through my talks with my therapist, the biggest takeaway I had was to do it anyway. Write what you need to write. Share what you need to share. Do what you need to do to be okay again. Whether others support you or not isn’t the reason you’re doing what you need to do. I was stuck in one place for a long time, not being able to move forward because I wasn’t allowing myself to process as I needed. And the second I came out and shared? I felt me again. I hit the ground running and started working for my dream opportunities. I moved forward. And without that, I wouldn’t have moved forward. With or without their support, I did this for me. And I would never take it back because I’m on my way to a life I can be proud of. I feel like I’m where I’m meant to be. I feel like I’m doing my purpose. And that is a feeling I’ve been waiting for for years.
I think people have a certain idea of what mental illness is. Especially when it comes to depression and anxiety. And I feel like too many people expect something out of you if they’ve dealt with it in a certain way. For example, “Well I went through the same or worse and I was still able to work and clean my house, etc…” But I want to remind you that every single person is different. People break at different levels. Everyone has their own breaking points. There isn’t a rule book for what trauma looks like. There isn’t a rule book for PTSD. There isn’t a rule book for depression or anxiety or eating disorders or any mental illness. If there were, it wouldn’t be so hard to figure out and it wouldn’t be so hard to treat. For me, my trauma was when I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease that changed my life forever and made people treat me differently, both in coddling and in bullying. My trauma was being sexually assaulted by several men, of one whom I loved. My trauma was me giving away my self worth for a teenage boy to destroy. My trauma was having someone attack my character so deep that I went into a downward spiral that took me years to crawl out of. My trauma was being a victim of my husband’s anger and being verbally abused when he was manic. My trauma was trying to eat myself to death to cope with the pain. My trauma was getting so bad that I was in outpatient at a mental health hospital for over a year collectively. My trauma was turning to unhealthy substances and addictions and it taking over my life to a point where I was sick and couldn’t function for 3 years. Some might have been able to handle those situations without batting an eye. Some may feel like if they ever endured that, they wouldn’t know how to handle it. But the most important thing, is that it’s not a comparison game. Does it really matter what it took to break me? Shouldn’t it just matter that I felt broken? That I was broken? You don’t need to have the worst, most traumatic story in the world to 1. Be able to talk about it openly. 2. To feel the pain you’re feeling. And 3. To feel traumatized. Everyone has their own battles that have the capacity to break them. And no matter how small or big someone’s trauma stories are, they are valid and they deserve to have their story and their voice heard.
So for those that have felt silenced due to other people’s opinions of you; for those that have felt too weak to share their struggles, but have desperately been wanting to be heard; for those who are afraid of the judgment, I want to say this to you: it’s okay to do what you need to do to heal. It’s okay that others don’t agree with your healing process. It’s okay that others are uncomfortable. It’s okay that they judge you. If you feel like you are dealing with it in a healthy way that’s going to help you, their opinions shouldn’t matter. Because you’re not healing for them, you’re healing for you. And we can’t let ANYONE take that away from us. Be scared, and then do it anyway. Be judged, and then do it anyway. Be loud and proud and do what you need to do to survive and be okay. What’s holding you back from healing? Is it finally sitting down and dealing with the feelings and emotions you’ve been avoiding for years? Is it sharing your story with others? Is it going to a therapist? Is it admitting you need help? Is it changing your lifestyle or cutting people out that bring you down? Is it forgiving someone that hurt you? No matter how hard it is, do it for you. Do it so you can break free from the prison you’ve sentenced yourself to. Do it so you can find your purpose again. Do it so that you can move on. But don’t not do it because it’s hard. It will always be hard. There will always be someone who disagrees. There will always be an easier way out. But let me just tell you...I got nowhere when I only tried to please others. I got nowhere when I avoided the hard emotions and feelings. I got nowhere when I didn’t allow myself to process how I needed to. I’m not saying screw everyone else, but I am saying to listen to what God has in store for you and your life. Listen when your heart strings are tugging at you that you need to do something to heal. When I wrote about Hayden and I, I woke up and I just knew without a doubt I needed to write this. I let the Lord guide my words and speak through me and I listened to His direction to put it out to the world. Was I scared? Of course I was. Did I have reservations? Of course I did. But I did it anyway, because I knew deep in my heart that this would not only help someone who needed to hear it, but that it was what I needed to move on and heal. I was stuck at that moment in my life until I wrote about it. I’m not saying you have to write about it or talk about it publicly, but do what you need to do to heal and move on.
I hope my words can be of encouragement, can be educational, and can serve God in all His glory. Without Him, I wouldn’t be where I am today. I wouldn’t be chasing my dreams. I wouldn’t be set free from the chains of trauma that held me down. He allowed me to do what I needed to do to heal and He set me free.
And for those of you that are curious, yes...Hayden and I are doing amazing. Truly. We are in the best part of our marriage. We are both on the right medications, we are both doing great things with therapy, we are much different people than we were even a year ago. And while I'd love to dive into all the things we've changed and what it took to get there, that's for another day and another story. Until next time.
If you want to read the original story, you can see it here.